i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
