Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
