Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
