she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
