Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
