i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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