ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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