Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
