I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
