I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
