I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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