My underwear smells like fireworks.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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