I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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