Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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