someone threw a dead crab at me
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
