Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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