Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
