last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
