Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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