FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
