my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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