She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Damn victory sex feels great
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
