I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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