My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
