I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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