I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
too bad you live with your parents still
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
