remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
