I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
