I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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