We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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