OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
