Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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