I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
