I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
