Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
