someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
