if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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