this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
