That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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