I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
