I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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