remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
