How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
