if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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