Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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