Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
