i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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