Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
