I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
