I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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