seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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