3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
